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Learn more about the signs and types of domestic abuse, and the services and support we offer.
What is domestic abuse?
Domestic Abuse (which is also called relationship abuse, intimate partner violence or domestic violence) is a pattern of abusive behavior that is used by one person to gain or maintain power and control over a current or former intimate partner. Intimate relationships are often complex, and it can be difficult to identify whether you are being abused if your partner is at times loving and kind or assists with the household and expenses.
If you feel afraid, alter what you do to avoid making your partner angry or are frequently fearful of upsetting them, know nothing you have done justifies being abused…ever. Please read the following characteristics of domestic abuse. Your safety and well-being are important.
Signs that you may be in an emotionally, physically or sexually abusive relationship can include:
Examples of emotional abuse
- Chronic anger or jealousy; accuses you of cheating
- Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you
- Shows distrust and acts jealous or possessive of you
- Isolates you from family or friends
- Excessive monitoring
- Prevents you from going to work or attending school
- Controls finances or refuses to share money
- Withholds affection
- Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets
- Humiliates or intimidates you in any way
Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her. Threatening to leave her, commit suicide, or report her to welfare. Making her drop charges. Making her do illegal things.
Making her afraid by using looks, actions, and gestures. Smashing things. Destroying her property. Abusing pets. Displaying weapons.
Putting her down. Making her feel bad about herself. Calling her names. Making her think she’s crazy. Playing mind games. Humiliating her. Making her feel guilty
Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, and where she goes. Limiting her outside involvement. Using jealousy to justify actions.
Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously. Saying the abuse didn’t happen. Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior. Saying she caused it.
Making her feel guilty about the children. Using the children to relay messages. Using visitation to harass her. Threatening to take the children away.
Preventing her from getting or keeping a job. Making her ask for money. Giving her an allowance. Taking her money. Not letting her know about or have access to family income.
Treating her like a servant: making all the big decisions, acting like the “master of the castle,” being the one to define men’s and women’s roles.
Examples of physical abuse
- Physical harm
- Damages property when angry
- Pushes, slaps, bites, kicks or strangles you
- Abandons you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place
- Scares you by driving recklessly or driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs
- Uses a weapon to threaten or hurt you
- Forces you to leave your home
- Traps you in your home or keeps you from leaving
- Prevents you from calling police or seeking medical attention
- Harms your children or family members
Examples of sexual abuse
- Uses physical force in sexual situations
- Views/treats women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles.
- Wants you to dress in a sexual way
- Insults you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names
- Forces you into having sex or performing sexual acts you did not want to do
- Holds you down during sex against your will
- Demands sex when you are sick, tired, or after beating you
- Hurts you with weapons or objects during sex
- Involves other people in sexual activities with you against your will
- Ignores your feelings regarding sex
If you answered 'yes' to any of these statements you may be in an abusive relationship. Please call our Crisis Hotline at 651-645-2824.
Domestic Violence Statistics
You are not alone
•On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. In one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.
◦1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner.
◦1 in 10 women have been raped by an intimate partner.
•19% of domestic violence involves a weapon.
•1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses.
Statistics from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Help for friends and family
Are you concerned that someone you care about is experiencing abuse? Maybe you’ve noticed some warning signs, including your friend or family member:
- Constantly worries about making their partner angry
- Makes excuses for their partner’s behavior
- Has unexplained marks or injuries
- Has stopped spending time with friends and family
- Seems depressed or anxious, or demonstrates changes in personality
- Is put down by their partner in front of other people
- Experiences their partner being extremely jealous or possessive
Options for providing support:
If someone you care about is being abused, it can be difficult to know what to do. Your instinct may be to “save” them from the relationship, but it’s not that easy. There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships and leaving can be a very dangerous time for a victim.
Abuse is about power and control, and isolating the victim from others is a common tactic used by abusive persons. Safely reaching out, breaking the isolation and giving them the gift of time can be the first steps.
Believe the victim.
One of the most important ways you can help someone is to believe them. Often victims feel no one will believe them because the abusive partner presents a very different public persona or has told the victim everyone will think she is crazy or making things up. For many victims their partner was kind and attentive early in the relationship, and the abuse began gradually and intensified with time. For a victim, being able to share their story and tell someone about the abuse, terror and confusion they have experienced is affirming and fosters real hope.
Acknowledge their difficult situation; be supportive and listen.
Remind them that the abuse is not their fault. They many have conflicting feelings about the abusive partner, or it may be difficult for them to talk about the abuse. Let them know that their feelings are normal and you are there to support them. Reassure them that they are not alone and that there is confidential help and support available.
Be non-judgmental.
Respect their decisions. There are many reasons why victims remain in abusive relationships. They may leave and return to the relationship multiple times, and it may be hard for you to understand their reasons. Escaping an abusive situation is not just about the victim choosing to leave, it is often whether the victim can safely flee the situation. Be honest about your concern for their safety, but don't place any blame or guilt on them. Let them know you understand their situation is difficult and that they are the expert on their own life and safety.
Validate their value.
Reinforce to the victim all of their good qualities. Due to the abuse, their life has probably been filled with negative messages and consistently being ridiculed on their appearance, humor, thoughts and actions. Hearing how much they are valued by others and what a good friend/family member/co-worker/parent they are validates that they deserve better, and have the strength and support to safely navigate the situation.
Talk about safety planning.
Talk to the victim about creating a safety plan. Safety planning can be essential for when they feel the abuse is escalating, if the violence reoccurs or if they are planning on leaving the abusive situation. Victims are at a greater risk of being killed by their abusive partner when attempting to leave. Each step of a safety plan should take into account the benefits for the victim (and their children), potential risks involved and ways to lower those risks.
Safety Plans should include -
- The victim trusting their intuition or gut if a violent incident is about to occur.
- Having a charged phone to contact 911
- Identifying a safe place to go in an emergency and the means to safely get there.
- Talking to the children on how to stay safe, calling 911 and having a code word to alert family, neighbors or friends.
- Keeping cash, keys and purse or wallet in an accessible place to easily grab in an emergency.
Call SPIP at 651-645-2824 to learn more about safety planning.
Encourage them to talk to people who can really help.
Provide them with options they can use when they are ready. Let them know connecting with an advocate is confidential, that they have the skills and resources to help them, and they treat all victims with kindness and respect. Be able to share the local crisis line number with them. SPIP advocates are available at 651-645-2824. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Encourage them to call the police if they are fearful of or being harmed.
If they end the relationship, they need continued support.
Domestic violence does not often end when a victim flees or ends the relationship. An abusive person's feeling of loss of control can often increase their abuse and violence. A victim is often at an increased risk of harm or injury when attempting to leave. Having the support of advocates can assist them in safely navigating the situation and putting safety measures, support and protection in place.
And even though the relationship was abusive, a victim may experience sadness or a feeling of loss. They need time and support to process what they have been through and even grieve the end of the relationship.
What is the role of a SPIP advocate?
Our Advocates Help You Understand the Dynamics of Domestic Abuse:
- Assuring you that the abuse is not your fault
- Emphasizing that you did not cause nor do you deserve abuse — no matter if you have struggles with addiction, unemployment or mental illness
- Explaining that the abuse was consciously used as a tool to gain power and control over you
- Clarifying the range of abusive and controllng behaviors
- Underlining that within the context of what you have had to endure, the array and depth of feelings and reactions you are experiencing are normal
SPIP Advocates work within these Principles:
Victim-focused, victim-centered – Ensuring your needs are met to the greatest extent possible and that you have access to help and services necessary to move forward and live free from violence. When providing direct services, the victim’s safety, needs and choices are always at the forefront of all discussions and decisions.
Listening - Never losing the focus on you. In advocacy, great support arises from listening. For many victims, the opportunity to openly and honestly vent anger regarding the abuse, sorrow over the loss of the relationship and frustrations with public systems, etc. without being judged is essential.
Confidentiality - When you share information with our advocates you are assured of total confidentiality. Victims value the opportunity to be completely open without the concern that their stories and information will be conveyed, without their permission, to others. A great deal of trust is placed in our advocates, and we honor that trust. It is your right to determine when and with whom information is shared regarding your life.
Gift of time - When you connect with an advocate the isolation starts to break. Our advocates may begin working with you during a time of crisis and often the relationship will continue for several months or even years. We offer a continuum of services to ensure your (and your children’s) safety and well-being, and it is you who determine the timeline.
Navigator – Our advocates have a dual role of not only in supporting you in accessing resources and safety, but in ensuring those systems and institutions are responsive to your needs. We develop relationships within numerous organizations to both improve and expedite outcomes. Safety planning is never just a form to fill out and there is no blanketed plan for a person’s life. We will assist you in mapping your destination.
Empathy – Our advocates understand the range of emotions you have experienced because of the abuse, the complexity of your situation, and the indifference you may have experienced from systems or the community at large. Advocates are responsive to the complex situations’ victims have been forced to cope with, and that they seldom feel others can understand. It is within this understanding that victims are never judged.
Truly see the person the victim is – We believe you are the ultimate expert on your own life and will support your decisions. It is you who determines when, if or for how long you need our services. Our advocates will ensure you have knowledge of, and access to, an array of support and services. We strive to ensure that the options we offer are relevant and sensitive to the culture, age, language, spiritual belief, lifestyle, sexual orientation, gender identity, and mental and physical abilities of the victims we serve.
Unite with victims – Throughout your journey, the justice process or other community systems, we actively advocate on your behalf (and your children’s). Our advocates work to strengthen your voice, emphasize your needs and reinforce your safety. If you are not satisfied, we will continue advocating on your behalf - asking questions, requesting explanations, and connecting you with the appropriate people and agencies. Domestic violence is an issue of human rights, and we join with victims in realizing that right.
Importance of the Children- The wellbeing of a victim’s children frequently is at the very center of the decisions they make. Our advocates will work with you in the interest and safety of your children and in securing the resources needed for your family to move forward and heal from the abuse.
Cultural context is critical - It is vital, whenever possible, that our advocates can speak your language and understand the cultural implications of your life-changing transitions. Our advocacy staff is comprised of African, Somali, Latina, European and Southeast Asian American ethnic backgrounds, as well as elders, differing abilities, LGBTQ, new immigrants and survivors; in which English, Spanish, Hmong, Karen, French, Somali and basic sign languages are spoken. Interpreters are also used when needed.
Our Advocates Affirm your Personal Rights to:
- Live free from violence and be safe in your own home
- Be treated with respect and valued
- Be the expert on your own life, and when presented with options and the support and protections needed to safely pursue those options, you have the right to and are capable of determining your own choices
- Have absolute control over any information you share with us
- Obtain the support, resources and justice you deserve
- Keep your personal feelings toward the abusive partner
- Act in your own self-defense (acts of self-defense and domestic abuse are entirely different things)
In addition, you have legal rights under Minnesota state law throughout the court process:
- Receive notification of the prosecutor’s decision to dismiss the charges or not prosecute the abusive person.
- Retain your job and not be disciplined because you have been subpoenaed or were requested to appear in court.
- Submit a victim impact statement to the court and request restitution for out-of-pocket expenses related to the crime.
- State your opinion, orally or in writing about plea bargain agreements and sentencing.
- Be informed of the release of the abuser from jail.
- Seek protection through family court, which issues Orders for Protection [SPIP NEED LINK: Link to Legal Advocacy].
Blueprint for Safety
SPIP believes that appropriately and effectively addressing domestic violence is a life and death matter. We further believe the elimination of battering requires continual critical examination of our own work, society’s attitudes and system practices.
To that end, in 2008 with the strength of our partnerships, we were motivated to push our collective work even further - to reach more victims and create policies and processes that fit the horrendous impact and complexity of domestic abuse crimes. It was an effort made possible by the generous support of the Minnesota Legislature, and was grounded in what we were doing well in St. Paul/Ramsey County and the best practices of domestic violence programs and jurisdictions across the nation.
The City of St. Paul, the St. Paul & Ramsey County Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (SPIP), and Praxis International worked together - bringing key people from within the Justice System, national experts, community-based advocates and victims of domestic violence to create a model that would further challenge and improve the response to domestic violence - from 911 to final case disposition.
And in establishing the Blueprint for Safety (BP) in 2010, we accomplishment that….and even more.
- Police can now better determine who is being victimized and who is perpetrating the violence. Incidents and behaviors are more skillfully connected to reveal abusers’ lethality and potential risks to the victims.
- Cases are better prioritized, dangerous Gone on Arrivals have significantly greater arrest and charging rates, and evidence collection and victim engagement has greatly improved.
- With the Blueprint for Safety, each arm of the justice system is better positioned to identify, assess and document risk and danger at each phase of case processing, and effectively build upon one another’s work.
- And each arm of the justice systems strengthens their partnerships with community-based advocates, who keep the real lived experiences of victims at the forefront of all the Blueprint’s work.
The Blueprint for Safety is a collaborative triumph –designed to continuously evolve. Our collective BP work allows for active engagement in resolving disagreements, constructively challenging one another, and putting forth critical issues or problem to be resolved. Our unified goals protect adult and child victims from ongoing abuse.... impose meaningful consequences for abusive offenders -, help perpetrators who are willing to change, and work reduce any unintended consequences of government interventions. We share our model across the nation and internationally. And as a Blueprint community, we are united in our commitment to excellence and to one day end the epidemic known as domestic violence.